…is pretty much how the world was last night. This ‘diet’ is getting nastier and nastier.
Yesterday was shit. Very weak, hungry, and lethargic. After feeling better around Wednesday, it was getting worse. Could not stop wanting food, it was painful.
Went to the Cartoon Museum, which was great and deep, and spent hours in there (Original artwork by Kirby, Bell, Bolland, Banx, Leo Baxendale & many other names, all glued-in-paper with blue pencil! Be still my beating heart!). Also got Action Philosophers Collected Volume 1 – finally!
But in the evening! All the above and more. On the bus back, outside the flat, inside the flat, it was such a battle of willpower not to go and get some chips, roasted chicken, a kebab, ANYTHING. After a while found myself was having a conversation with what sounded like a pleading child – “oh pllllease, just one, please, it won’t matter, think of it as a treat, no a reward, you’ll see how yuck battered sausage and kebab tastes then, think of it as a stopping point on the way” – it trying all the tricks in the book and me trying all the tricks in my book to stop it. All sorts of two-people-manoeuvring-round-a-table stuff I can’t even remember now.
Christ on a trenchpole that may have been one of the hardest exercises of willpower I’ve ever done and I can be a stubborn, inflexible bastard. I didn’t go out as I knew what would happen; think I missed the PN moot for first time in ages. But, I didn’t do it, didn’t eat, although I had to go to bed about 9pm to do it. Really did not want to do ANYTHING, not even sit and watch videos I really want to watch normally. Grargh feel like some kind of ascetic monk, forsaking all worldy pleasures for some sort of inner result. Except there’s no fucking inner thing as I’m empty!
Hah, Lisa has just texted me with “Do you think writing down your experience might be helpful?” as I am doing this!
The dawn is better. I am glad I am by myself as I feel like shouting at walls, like some sort of Long Dark Teatime of the Soul, but not quite as dramatic as that. This is crazy. It’s the real biting part of abstinence now, the (apparent) part of this that is the hardest. Or does it get worse than this? I thought it got better after the first few days when sickness passed, it’s just been replaced by feeling weak as a kitten and doubling-up hunger.When is the hunger going to go away? Those packs of powder mixed in water don’t cut it. What a fucking way to pass a weekend.