Contact me if you have any suggestions for additions. Updated 1 July 2005 – more swigs from Iain!
Sit down in front of the TV with several bottles of beer, alcopops or ready made cocktails. If the previews at the beginning of the show look boring then have neat vodka or similar on stand by with enough shot glasses for all players. Should it be a slow episode substitute “swig” with “shot”.
- if Yvette squeals
- whenever Yvette gets over-excited over potential paranormal activity and can practically see the pound signs from high ratings and DVD sales
- every time a fact about the house is repeated by different crew members at the start of the show (you need it to get through the boring bits. And trust me, that can be a lot of swigs)
- for every orb picked up on camera
- for every mysterious noise
- Psychic Medium Derek Acorah namedrops Sam
- Psychic Medium Derek Acorah claims to have no knowledge of the place being visited, despite him being on the production team and the shows being planned months in advance
- the term "spirit entity" or "passed on" or similar is used to avoid using words like ghosts or dead
- Psychic Medium Derek Acorah references something that clearly can’t be proven one way or another ("A man called Tom died here, in… in… 1645!")
- [Most Haunted Live only] a previous night’s show is summarised in a video package to cover the yawning gap in activity
- every scene of ‘investigation’ which is in fact merely people standing around talking and filling time
- the Rent-A-Sceptic is interviewed in such a way as to make him look an idiot
- the cameraman decides to do a needless close up of up Derek’s nose – it happens so many times, they must have a dare going or something!
- if something makes someone jump or scream (including Yvette)
- equipment failure is blamed on paranormal activity ("the lighting rig on the farmyard set keeps losing power!")
- Psychic Medium Derek Acorah picks up on ‘rituals’, ‘dark rites’ or anything vaguely ‘occult’ (including anything he calls ‘witchcraft’)
- Psychic Medium Derek Acorah starts communicating with an entity
- footage of ‘paranormal activity’ is slowed down and you still can’t see anything
- the team seem to become confused by the movie Ghostbusters and break out magnetism meters or some other pointless gadget
- they read out a fax/email/phone call on air by someone swearing blind they saw ’something move’ on the webcams
- Psychic Medium Derek Acorah spells out a name or event in a loud, repetitive voice, as if he was speaking to a child
- someone is interviewed and they’re introduced as simply a believer or a skeptic
- Psychic Medium Derek Acorah says "Bless you!" to an entity like the boy buying the turkey at the end of Scrooge
- if more than one person jumps or screams at the same time
- Psychic Medium Derek Acorah starts channeling an entity
- something is happening out of the range of the camera lights!!! – and it turns out to be something boring like a man walking his dog
- an attempt to drape the location in ’spookyness’ with the use of low light camera etc. fails when something mundane like a washing machine or haulage truck creeps into shot
- a member of the crew lets slip a knowing smile as someone does the patter about "is it paranormal? We just don’t know" etc.
- Psychic Medium Derek Acorah acts as if his Psychic Medium Abilities can just be switched on and off like a mobile phone
- a researcher begins describing something in some detail, but gets cut off because Most Haunted Live is exciting and dynamic and we don’t want the audience getting bored by historical trivia – so what crazy spirit is Derek talking to now?
- the presenter promises "more paranormal activity after the break!" hoping we won’t realise there wasn’t any before it
- Psychic Medium Derek Acorah is possessed by something evvviiilll
- [Most Haunted Live only] one of your viewing group, with paranormal experience, starts drunkenly ranting at the TV ("’imagine a white light above your head and it’ll protect you?!?!?’ What sort of b******s is that?")
Drain the entire bottle:
- Genuine paranormal activity is actually captured on film
- You yourself jump or scream at something in the programme
- Possessed Psychic Medium Derek Acorah attacks another crew member
And if Yvette herself gets possessed or attacked, then do a little jig of happiness as you finish the bottle!