Mailwatch (where every day thecover of theMail & Express are posted for comment) had a cover about school reports the other day. Wjthin the coments are the gold. So here they are shamelessly copied:
PUPIL NAME: Daily Mail
ENGLISH: Uses deliberately misleading language for the sake of sensationalism. He has a very overactive imagination.
MATHS: Insists on using Fahrenheit for no good reason.
BUSINESS STUDIES: Far too preoccupied with house prices. Needs to concentrate on more pressing issues.
LANGUAGES: Insists that everybody should have to learn English, rather than having to learn another language themselves. Just speaks English loudly and slowly instead.
RELIGIOUS EDUCATION: Makes no attempt to understand religions other than Christianity.
CHEMISTRY: Poor. In addition to reliance on Fahrenheit, also views every chemical as causing cancer or curing cancer.
SEX EDUCATION: Believes that all women are asking for it.
GEOGRAPHY: Much too “Little England” for my liking. Constantly complains about the EU.
ART: Very narrow view of what constitutes art, anything later than Constable is instantly derided.
HISTORY: Stuck firmly in the past, relives the Empire and the English point of view was always correct.
SPORT: Very poor performance, and always ready to criticise the efforts of others.
ENVIRONMENTAL STUDIES: Refuses to turn up, leaving the work to other pupils.
MUSIC: Unsatisfactory. Is clearly tone deaf as made clear by choice in music. Will only sing “traditional British” hymns and carols and refuses to learn about music from other cultures.
YOUNG ENTERPRISE SCHEME: Ruined project for the rest of the group by insisting that “there was money to be made” in children’s DVDs. However poor planning resulted in difficulty even giving away much of the stock.
SOCIAL STUDIES: Regards everything as “left wing drivel”.
HOME ECONOMICS: Seems to think that dumplings are a good, healthy British food but garlic is nasty and makes you smell French.
ECONOMICS: An odd stance is taken on this as it thinks that a Prime Minister is over paid on about £180k pa whereas a bigoted journo fully deserves £700k pa. for one column a week.
Form teacher comment
A rather unpleasant and immature child.
I have serious worries will grow up to be a bully and a racist with a career in right wing politics,showing signs of homophobia.
In the playground hangs around with his his small group of friends particularly Littlejohn from 5 gamma, playing very old fashioned games, e.g.”Your It” and “British Bulldog”, and shouts over everyone, even if he is wrong.
I worry for his future.